


Crumbling apart

by kitbug



Series: The Tribulations of Andi Ryder [3]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Sam helps, jaal comforts, lexi worries, post-flagship nonsense, really bothered the fuck out of me, so this happened, someday they will actually kiss XD, the fact that jaal said nothing about her dying on the flagship after the fact
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 08:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13072767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitbug/pseuds/kitbug
Summary: Ryder isn't in the best state to deal with what happened on the flagship after everything else that's occurred.





	Crumbling apart

“Ryder, please come to the medbay.”

“Ryder was my dad,” Andi growled back at the comm.  She knew she was being petulant, but she was tired, and she wasn’t feeling up to the lecture she knew was coming.

The sigh that came over the intercom sounded just as perturbed as she felt.  “ _ Andi _ , please come to the medbay.”

“Let me at least get changed first.”

“I’ll expect you in five.”

Andi rolled her eyes as the comm clicked off and shucked her armor in the loadout bay.  It was going to need a thorough cleansing to look white again after she’d fought her way through the Archon’s flagship.  She threw the jumpsuit into the ship’s laundry chute and arranged the armor in its decontamination locker.  She gave a nod to Cora and Jaal as she left for her own quarters.  Fuck it, Lexi could wait.  If she really needed to see the doctor now, SAM would have told her.

She slid the door shut to her quarters and flopped on the couch.  The bed would’ve been preferable, but she needed a shower first.  After she caught her breath.  Her chest still felt tight.

_ “Some slight pain and shortness of breath is expected after a cardiac episode,”  _  SAM provided, unprompted.

Andi sighed and threw an arm over her eyes.  “Did I do the right thing, SAM?”

_ “I do not know if a ‘right thing’ exists in the situation you were put in.  I could not project outcome in which you successfully saved your team, Pathfinder Raeka, and the Krogan scouts.  You accomplished what you could.  Your father would have been proud.” _

“I hope so.  I don’t think I could ever fill his shoes.”  She groaned as the weight of what they’d done came to her.  “Slapping the Archon in the face like we did will probably just make him come after us harder.”

_ “Or it will make him more reckless.  Your father liked putting others off balance.  He said the worthy would rise above it and learn to face adversity ably.” _

“And the rest?”

_ “Would crumble _ .”

“I’m feeling pretty rocky right now.  Hey, SAM…”  She hesitated, not sure if she wanted an answer to her question.   “Would you… still have done it if I said no?”

_ “I would not override your will.  Please know, I also would never harm you deliberately if another solution was present _ .  As though he could sense her discomfort, he retreated to the back of her mind.   _ I’ll leave you to your thoughts.”  _

The intercom in her room crackled to life.  “Andromeda Sara Ryder. Medical bay.  Now.”

Andi jolted upright.  “For fuck’s sake Lexi, did you seriously just broadcast that over the entire ship?!”

“No, just your intercom. But if I have to call you again, I will.”

“Yes,  _ mom _ .”

She stalked over to the medbay, not for the first time harboring an irrational hate for automatic doors that couldn’t be slammed.  

“If you’re worried about me, you can stop. SAM said what I’m feeling is normal after a ‘cardiac episode,’” Andi growled, attempting to head off whatever direction the doctor intended to go.

It didn’t work.

“That wasn’t a ‘cardiac episode,’ Andi. You _died_.  SAM _killed_ _you_!”  The accusation in Lexi’s voice would have made the Pathfinder flinch if she hadn’t been equally incensed.  “He’s dangerous!”

“So, what?  Was I supposed to just sit there at the Archon’s mercy?” Andi snarled, throwing her hands up.  “Let him kill or exalt Jaal, and then let his scientists butterfly me and Cora alive on their fucking tables like they did those salarians?”

She slammed her hands on the table, startling the rebuttal out of the asari. She wasn’t finished.

“SAM’s solution was the only one we had at the time.  It saved us!  And even if it hadn’t, at least I-- I--”  She swallowed, suddenly coming to a realization.  “If he hadn’t been able to revive me, at least I would have been saved from… from that butchery!”

“And what if he tries to kill you again?  Permanently this time?”

SAM’s ever-calm voice came over the medbay speakers _.  “I assure you, Dr. T’Perro, I would never kill Andi. It would be akin to killing part myself.” _

“I’m not going to be vilified for choosing what I did, and I’m not letting you vilify SAM either!”  Andi turned and made for the door.  “You weren’t there, you didn’t see what we saw, and you have no right to--”

Lexi put a hand on her shoulder, and she jerked away from it.  “I’m just--”

“No!  I’m not having this discussion right now,” Andi spat and stormed out of the medical bay.

Lexi sighed and slid into the chair at her desk.  “I’m not against SAM.”  She looked helplessly at the ceiling.  “I’m not against you, SAM!”

_ “I know, Dr. T’Perro.  You must excuse Andi.  Today was very difficult for her.  Your concerns are valid, but she is not able to listen to them right now.  Please understand.” _

“I do, SAM. Today was hard on all of us.  I’m just… Dying once is too hard for most, but a second time?” Lexi rubbed her temples, feeling a headache coming on.  “Just, please, let me know if she needs me.  For anything.  I’m worried about her.”

_ “Of course, Dr. T’Perro.” _

“Is everything alright?” a baritone voice called from the doorway.  “I heard yelling.”

Lexi turned to the door and waved Jaal in.  “Yes and no.  Are  _ you _ alright?”

“I am fine,” he said.  “Just some bruises.  But, I am concerned about our Pathfinder.”

“I think we all are, to be honest.  Dying once and coming back is hard enough on anyone.”

“I have a question about that.  After SAM revived her, she said that dying ‘wasn’t any easier the second time.’  This has happened before?”

“Ah, that’s right. You weren’t here for Habitat 7.”

“What is Habitat 7?”

“It’s a planet in the Errikson system that we intended to colonize.  But this is probably something you should hear from Andi.  It’s… very personal to her.  Honestly, that today was the first time she just out-and-out snapped at me is a miracle.”  Lexi frowned.  “She’s a tough one, but… it’s too much for anyone.  Would you check on her, please?  She won’t want to see me right now.”

He nodded, understanding why he had heard yelling.  “You were fighting.”

She flushed and dropped her gaze slightly.  “I could have approached that better.  If you knew our history with AI, you’d understand why SAM’s actions are so troubling.”

“I see.”  He didn’t, not really.  He hadn’t gotten that far into Milky Way history yet, but that wasn’t important now.  “I will go check on her.  Thank you for speaking with me.”  

“Of course, Jaal. Thank you.  Please let me know if she needs anything.”

The angara nodded and left the medbay.  Thankfully, the Pathfinder’s quarters were not far.  He was surprised to find the door open.  

SAM’s disembodied voice quietly came from his wrist comm.  _  “I think Andi would benefit from your presence.  I will close the door behind you.” _

Jaal nodded and walked inside.  She wasn’t on the bed, at the desk, or even on the couch.  He found her sitting on the floor with her back against the small coffee table.  Her knees were drawn in tight to her chest.  She looked… small.  It was unsettling.  In general, the Pathfinder was high energy and confident. Despite being more than a head shorter than him, he’d never thought of her as  _ small _ before.  

Andi stared out at the stars, completely unaware of him until he knelt down in front of her.  She startled out her reverie and frowned.  “I thought I locked that door.”

He held up his hands placatingly.  “SAM let me in.  May I join you?”

She glared over her shoulder at the glowing blue sphere on her desk.  “SAM, we’re going to have a discussion about privacy later.”

_ “Of course, Andi _ .”

She sighed and scooted over as an invitation.  Jaal took it, settling down next to her.  She had resumed her ruminating, silent and unmoving.  He cleared his throat to get her attention again.

“Are you alright?”

Andi barked out a pained laugh and buried her face in her knees.  “Is that a serious question?”

He nodded.  “You are not yourself.”

She gave Jaal a watery smile.  “Honestly?  No.  I’m not okay at all.”

“Would it help to talk about it?”

“No.  Maybe?  I don’t even know where to start.  Everything  _ hurts _ .  I’m scared shitless.  I walked us right into a trap, because I couldn’t keep my head after seeing those salarians.  The Archon would have killed us, or worse.  Probably worse.”  She was babbling, unable to stop the words now that they found an outlet.  She wasn’t even aware of her flood of tears.  “I-I couldn’t save Raeka and the other Salarians.  Now they’re dead, or probably  _ worse _ , and I failed them because I’m a shitty Pathfinder, and, and, Dad’s dead because of me, and S-Scott might never wake up, and  _ I miss them so much _ .”  Her breath hitched and stuttered violently, robbing her of any more words.

Jaal gently pried her open from the ball she’d constricted herself into and pulled her into his lap.  She buried her face in the crook of his shoulder and clung to his rofjinn like it was the the only thing keeping her afloat.  He stroked her hair with one hand, the other rubbing soothing circles on her back as she cried.  Slowly, her sobs subsided and her breathing eased into only occasional hiccups, and then none at all.

“I’m sorry,” Andi eventually croaked once she had herself under control again.

He blinked, confused.  “For?”

“Making a mess of your rofjinn.  And crying like a baby all over you.”

Jaal shook his head.  “That doesn’t matter.  Please don’t ever feel like you have to hide your emotions from me.  It isn’t healthy to dam them until they burst like that.  You don’t have to pretend you’re fine for me.”

She fidgeted, and he loosed his hold on her so she could shift in between his legs with her back against his chest.  He rested his arms loosely at her waist.

“...okay.”

“Thank you.”  He hesitated for a moment and then asked, “May I ask you something difficult?”

“I guess?”

“What did you mean before, when you said that coming back from the dead a second time wasn’t an improvement over the first?”

“Oh.  That.” Andi chewed her lip.  “I… Dad died trying to save me.  It almost didn’t work.”

“What happened?”

“It was on Habitat 7, one of the planets we were planning to colonize.  Dad was the Pathfinder assigned to it, and I was part of the team.  He found the Remnant vault and tried to activate it, but something went wrong.  My helmet shattered.  The air there was toxic.”  She shuddered at the memory, choking and gasping for oxygen that wasn’t there. “Dad found me.  He gave me his helmet and transferred SAM.  I… don’t really remember what happened after that until I woke up in SAM node.  SAM?”

_ “You fell unconscious and went into cardiac arrest as Lieutenant Harper’s extraction team retrieved you.  Dr. Carlyle managed to stabilize you for the return to the Hyperion, but you began seizing on arrival and went into cardiac arrest again.  The transfer had not finished before your father perished.  Your heart stopped completely as the medics were moving you to SAM node to complete the transfer, and I was able to revive you.  You were clinically dead for 22 seconds, but suffered no physical aftereffects, and regained consciousness two days later.” _

“Yeah.  That.”  Her voice was tight.

Jaal’s embrace tightened.  “I had no idea your arrival to our galaxy was that harrowing.”

“I wasn’t trained for any of this.”  Andi laughed weakly.  “I’ve just been floundering along blindly and hoping I don’t set anything important on fire or start an intergalactic war.  Fake it until you make it, I guess.”

“ _ No _ training?”  He was stunned.  “They had no one ready to take the mantle should something happen?”

“Of course not.”  She shook her head vehemently.  “We weren’t  _ that _ unprepared.  Cora was next in line but…  _ things _ happened, and  _ I _ got SAM.”

“I’m sure your father would be proud of how much you’ve accomplished.”

“... I know.  SAM thinks so too.  It’s just… been hard, without him and Scott.”  Andi scrubbed at her eyes, trying to head off more tears.  “I’ve never been separated from Scott like this.  Even when we were apart, we still talked every night on the comm. It’s so much harder that I thought it’d be.  I miss them so much.”

Jaal couldn’t think of anything to say.  “I’m sorry.”

She let out a weighted sigh.  “It is what it is.  I’ve gotten by this long without them.  I can keep going.  It’s just… it’s hard.”

They sat in silence for a while before Andi started shifting uncomfortably.  “I… owe you an apology.”

He let her pull away to turn and face him, and he regarded her curiously.  “For what?”

“For wigging out at you after you let Akksul shoot you.  I… I understand why you did what you did now.  I’m sorry.”

Jaal chuckled and lowered his forehead to nuzzle against hers.  Unlike the last time, she didn’t pull away.  “And I understand now how you felt, watching me stare death in the face.  I think we can call it even.”

“I-- okay.  Thanks.”

He waited until she broke contact to sit back again.  “I… have a request.  If it isn’t too much trouble.”

“Yeah?”  She lifted her gaze to meet his.

“My family has been very insistent about meeting you.  And, I would very much like them to.”  

“Before I die for reals?”  Andi gave him a wry grin.  

Jaal choked on a laugh that was startled out of him.  “I would never say that.”

“It’s okay, I can joke about it. You can’t, but I can.”

“If you say so.  You don’t have to answer right--”

“No,  no.”  She waved away his concerns and sighed.  “I want to.  And honestly, I could use a break.  And Tann will have his hands full with the salarian ark arriving.  We can give them a couple days head start to get sorted out before we arrive."

As if on cue, Kallo’s voice came from her omni-tool.  “Pathfinder, Ark Paarchero is ready to depart for the Nexus.”

“Alright, thanks.  I’ll be up in five to see them off.”  Andi climbed to her feet and offered Jaal a hand up.  “I should go wash up real quick so I don’t look like a complete wreck when I see them.”

 

Jaal accepted the aid.  It was much harder for an angara to get off the floor than a human.  “I will let the Moshae know we succeeded, and notify my mothers that we’re coming.”  He paused at the doorway.  “Will you be… okay?”

 

She nodded after a moment.  “Yeah.  Yeah, I’ll be alright.  I’m going to go to bed after I see the salarians off and give Kallo our new heading.  It’s been… a very long day.”

**Author's Note:**

> I spent like five months dithering over this off and on, and I'm tired of seeing it in my wip folder. XD 
> 
> Tumblr is [here](http://kittlesandbugs.tumblr.com) if you wanna swing by and say hi.


End file.
